


Holy Consorts

by Chrysanthos



Series: Dumb Three Houses Crack [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Crack Crossover, Sexual Humor, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 04:24:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20401639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrysanthos/pseuds/Chrysanthos
Summary: The Blue Lions are pushed back by a Demonic Beast. Luckily, Sylvain and Felix (with Ingrid) are here to save the day!...Kinda.





	Holy Consorts

**Author's Note:**

> I saw an image of Sylvain in a particular art style and my untamed mind would NOT rest until I wrote this out.

A white halo appeared, and at Sylvain's motion, it travelled over his body, instantly clothing him in a tight, white tube top and a frilly white skirt, complete with teal green hearts and orange-gold bands. Next to him, Felix wore a short maid-style white dress with dark azure hearts and white and black stockings. Behind them were two poles that had appeared out of nowhere. The crests of Gautier and Fraldarius flashed behind them.

The entire army stared in wide-mouthed shock.

Sylvain wrapped his legs around the pole behind him and threw out his back, while Felix copied the motion handily. Tracing his body, Sylvain made a show of reaching down to between his bare thighs, while Felix flipped his undone hair.

"O, pitiful shadow, lost in the darkness," They intoned in unison as Felix dragged his hands down to his (rather shapely) legs, "O, evil spirit, borne of those drifting between heaven and earth."

Sylvain took off a pair of thongs he was wearing under his skirt.

"May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy, delicate consorts-" Somewhere behind them, Annette choked as she watched Felix take off his stockings with unmatched sensuality. "Strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger, shattering your base impurity and returning you to whence you came!"

Sylvain and Felix gave the cockiest, toothiest smirks possible as their garments turned to light and transformed into a lance and a pair of swords. "REPENT, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" They announced, a gust of wind bustling their very short skirts. Somewhere behind them, Ashe made a very interesting noise.

Sylvain twirled his lance, then pointed the blade at the Demonic Beast before him. Fire and light gathered at the tip before firing off, creating a hole in the beast's head the size of a window. "You're up, Felix!" Sylvain winked, casually straddling his lance.

Felix grinned and ran at the stunned beast before appearing behind it, many deep cuts made in its body. "Done, and done!" Felix called back.

"THIS... THIS FUCKING BLOWS!" The Demonic Beast managed to scream before exploding.

\--

Dimitri pulled Sylvain and Felix aside. "Sylvain, Felix," he began.

"Boar," Felix nodded, "Sylvain."

"Dimitri, Felix," Sylvain nodded solemnly.

Dimitri ignored them. "Where on earth did you learn any of that?" He asked.

"Any of what?" Felix grumbled.

Suddenly, the door slammed open, and Dimitri turned to see Ingrid, wearing a white-and-mint green priest's robe.

"Ingrid?" Dimitri asked, thoroughly confused.

Ingrid crossed her arms. "Cease your bickering, hoes!" She commanded.

**Author's Note:**

> what are we doing here


End file.
